No.41
>>152819But seriously, these two can’t stop lecturing the West about how they’re the real bastions of spirituality and higher consciousness. Meanwhile, the only thing spiritual about their border disputes is how close they come to both nations collectively finding Nirvana via thermonuclear war. But hey, you’ve got to admire their dedication. When was the last time you saw two nuclear-armed countries fighting with clubs and rocks? It’s like watching cavemen who accidentally stumbled into the Space Age.
And yet, they hate colonialism. Oh, do they hate it. Ask any Chinese or Indian official what’s wrong with the world, and they’ll tell you, “It’s the West. Colonialism ruined everything.” Sure. Colonialism ruined you, but not enough to stop you from copying its playbook. Because the second these two got their shot at power, they sprinted to the nearest developing nation and said, “Hey, remember colonialism? We’ve got a 2.0 version—worse in every way, but now with local flavor!”
China’s Belt and Road Initiative? That’s not development; that’s credit card fraud on a global scale. “We’ll build you a bridge,” they say. “All you have to do is sign this little loan agreement.” Fast forward ten years, and you’re in court trying to figure out why China now owns your port, your airport, and half your coastline. It’s not aid; it’s a loan shark with a hard hat and a bulldozer.
And India? They’re not even subtle. Their approach to the environment is like a teenager trying to deep-fry Oreos for the first time: reckless, messy, and guaranteed to set something on fire. “We respect Mother Earth,” they’ll say, as they dump raw sewage into the Ganges while launching another tar plant. And their industrial growth strategy? Nepotism, corruption, and “What’s an environmental regulation?” It’s like colonialism with a Bollywood dance number. Charming, until you realize the smoke from their factories is now your air.
And here’s the kicker: neither of them could even pull this off without the original colonialists. That’s the irony no one wants to talk about. China didn’t build its factories on ancient Confucian wisdom; it built them on Western trade and technology. India didn’t launch satellites into space because of the Vedas; they did it because the Brits left behind some railways and a half-decent bureaucracy. The same systems they condemn as “imperialist” are the ones propping them up.
But sure, they’re anti-colonial. Just don’t mention their ventures in Africa, where they’re rewriting the history books one exploitative deal at a time. China rolls in with its Belt and Road, promising roads and railways, and leaves behind ghost towns and unpaid debts. India shows up with its tech companies and leaves behind landfills of e-waste and an internet connection slower than a 2003 dial-up modem. But hey, it’s traditionally exploitative, so it’s fine, right?
And here’s the part that really stings: they’re not even good at hiding it. They don’t have the style of the old-school colonialists. The British gave you cricket, tea, and a railway system. What’s China giving? Surveillance cameras and highways to nowhere. What’s India contributing? Call centers and spam emails about your car’s extended warranty. It’s like colonialism got rebooted by a discount production studio.
And let’s not even get started on the hypocrisy. They’ll talk your ear off about traditional values while outsourcing their pollution to the rest of the world. India’s running tar plants like it’s a 19th-century steampunk novel, and China’s single-handedly terraforming the planet into a smokestack. But it’s okay because they burn incense and say they’re spiritual. That cancels it out, right?
The real punchline is how they try to sell this schizophrenic narrative to the world. “We’re ancient and wise, but also modern and unstoppable. We’re the victims of colonialism, but also the new bosses. We hate the West, but also can’t stop making TikToks and buying iPhones.” It’s like they’re trying to win a gold medal in mental gymnastics.
And you know what? Maybe Russia’s just the prototype. The BRICS countries are all just Russia in cosplay—each one with its own set of contradictions, trying to out-hypocrisy the other. The only thing they’re consistent about is being inconsistent.
So here’s to China and India: the philosophical heavyweights of the modern world. Fighting over barren rocks in the Himalayas, ruining the environment at record speeds, and colonizing the Global South while complaining about colonialism. Truly, the enlightened sages of our time.
South Africa? Well, they’re the wildcard. They joined BRICS like that guy at the party who doesn’t know anyone and just hopes no one notices he’s drinking the good beer without contributing. They’re still trying to figure out if they’re a “traditional values” country or just vibing with the chaos. Either way, corruption there is so normalized, they’ve probably got a government form for it. “How many bribes did you take this week? Check one box: 1-3, 4-6, or ‘I am the president.’”
But let’s not pretend the BRICS team is running on mutual respect and good vibes. No, they’re basically frenemies with benefits, united by their shared hatred of the West—and their love of pointing fingers. Every meeting, they’re sitting around going, “At least we’re not like America.” Meanwhile, they’ve all got the same problems: poverty, corruption, censorship, and the kind of :33< purrformative machismo that makes a middle school locker room look progressive.
But the pièce de résistance is how much they all love to talk about “degeneracy.” Oh, that’s the magic word. Degeneracy. The West is “degenerate,” and BRICS are the last bastion of morality. Really? You’re all standing on the moral high ground while knee-deep in your own sewage.
Russia, with its prison rape culture masquerading as masculinity. Brazil, where the politicians are as corrupt as their soccer refs. India, where wwomen can’t wwalk down the street without wondering if they’ll make it home. China, where you’ll be disappeared for liking the wrong Instagram post. And South Africa, where you can’t keep the lights on long enough to even read about the other countries’ disasters.
But yeah, degeneracy. The real degeneracy isn’t gay rights or pop music or drag queens. It’s pretending you’ve got some moral superiority when your entire society is held together by duct tape, denial, and a prayer to whichever god isn’t too offended by your hypocrisy.
So here’s to BRICS: the dysfunctional family barbecue of geopolitics. They might hate each other, but they hate the West more, and that’s enough to keep them united—for now. Cheers to the “traditional values” club, where everyone’s too busy calling the kettle black to notice their own pot’s on fire.
-RL